salma hayek

well, it's 3:06am and i'm up doing homework. last night was eventful. the cops were at our house due to one of the girls upstair's psycho BF. both of those girls are having MAJOR (ex)BF problems. i don't understand why they do it. they deserve way better. i wish i could just shank those d-bags next time i see them (the guys, not the girls), but that would have quite the negative consequences. so much drama lately. especially tonight. i had dinner with my new roomies for next year, and they are all awesome girls, however, i'm quite different. i've always been different and i always will. i hate that i can't laugh as much as other people. sure i laugh, but it takes a lot for me, and i really actually can't do it as hard as i try, to laugh in the way other people do to the point where they cry. i feel left out in their joy. it's one of the many things that i feel left out on in life. sure i get goofy and hyper sometimes, a lot of the time, but then again i have my light switch moments often. i'm in a minor slump right now, but nothing like normal. anyways, i'm not going to write one of my normal wrist-cutting-depressed blogs like usual. back to my main point--> i love my friend J, but i feel left out a lot on how she feels. i feel like she doesn't tell me a lot of things. especially with this whole gay thing and her. I know she has a boyfriend, and supposedly she is straight, and if she is cool, but she has been so overly gay-enthusiastic that it's confusing. also, she has a very close relationship with this girl, that seems almost lesbianic. i don't want to jump to conclusions or anything, but i just want to know what's going on in her life and how she is feeling and i wish she would keep me updated and tell me what's going on with her emotions and thoughts, etc. i don't care if she is straight, bi, gay, two-spirited, transgender, WHATEVER, and i don't want to pigeon hole her either, i just want to know what the deal is. and if her deal is that she isn't sure what her deal is, that's cool too! i just want to be in the know. and she says "there is no gayness at all!" but that's so not true. she talks about lesbianism ALL the time. idk. just a thought on my mind lately.
also, recently i went to sasquatch was F-ing amazing!!!
and another thing on my mind, one of my other friends just moved in with their GF and i think it's so soon and they are too young. DAMN i'm so up into other people's business.
let's talk about me i guess......hmmmm....what's going on in my life. well, 1st off, i've been back into my nasty little habit for the past month, maybe month and a half. the quantity is down but the quality is up. but again, it's completely under control and i love doing it and i'm not planing on stopping anytime soon. AND i keep going back and forth on this person whom i adore. i finally quit dreaming and realized they are into someone else, and even though this someone else DOESN'T feel the same about them, i have a feeling they will still pursue her in vain and i need to get over it and find someone new........even though i don't want to do that. perhaps, being in germany will get me over this person. although i know when i finally do, the second i get back to seattle it'll all come rushing back. FUCK. too bad i'm not actually a robot.
i also have gotten so so sooooooooo fat. so fat. omg. in germany, i need to do push ups, sit ups, and RUN! hopefully i'll loose a lot of weight. although the beer might counteract the exercise...eek. i can't believe i'll be able to legally drink again! awesome. i wish i could in Amerika. but a lot of 18 year old americans would NOT handle that well.
shit, it's finals, and i need to fucking do PERFECTLY on my tests, as usual....too bad i suck. hard. i'll never be a dentist......but i'm gonna try at it anyways! oi vey! also, i've never really been poor in my life. and i'm not hella poor now, but i used to be able to buy whatever i wanted (within reason) anytime, and now i can't. and it sucks. being poor/fat/dumb sucks. life is hard. >_<