industrial pain

oi fucking vey. i think that is my most common phrase of the past month. i've been so busy and i still have no motivation. i wish i did, damn i do. i have no drive though. i've been more depressed than usual i'd say. it all adds up, it's the low that i get in my cycle of moods, every couple months or more frequent, when i can't seem to wake. i sleep all the time, causing so many problems. i'm late to everything, or i just don't go. and i don't care even. i'm too fucking apathetic. and i do things that only make it worse. i know i should take my medicine, i know they make me better. but i hate them, god i do. just thinking about it, i feel like a fucking robot who has to take things and do things to run properly. pills pills pills. then the last two months, i've realized how addicted my body is. i knew it was, but god, i've never gotten this bad. i've taken the pink onces since i was fifteen and then i didn't get it refilled and went over a week without it and i felt like such shit. i was sweating, no energy, and worst of all, my head. i was crying walking to the drug store with pain, pain in my head. god it hurt. that was the week before sasquatch, and now, this last week and a half, i went with out one of my white ones, and i didn't feel it in my body so much, because i've only taken this bittersweet pesticide for less then a year now, but damn i felt it in my emotions. i got cut to shreds, oi i did. i also didn't study for my chem final, which i'll regret once i find out my grades. god i'm such a fucking dumbass. so dumb. my parents and friends say if i want to be a dentist i'll push through it, but god, when i get like this it's so fucking hard. i don't think people understand. i guess i get snobby, and perhaps they do, but i doubt it. perhaps my mom gets it, and i'm sure syd will too, it seems like it runs in the women of my family. conor oberst and elliot smith get me, god i'm so emo. i need to stop, but i can't. i remember when i was in early high school my spanish teacher gave a speech about suicide and if you feel suicidal , then you need to take anti-depressants. her father had committed suicide. we all made fun of her little random speech, but the past two years i thought about my high school. i honestly think two things: if i hadn't gotten help when i was 15 and if i hadn't moved away from oklahoma, i swear, i SWEAR i would have done it. i wouldn't be here. it'll never go away, i know it won't. i fight the urge every day and i'll have to deal with it my whole life. some days it's easy to brush off, some days it's not. i never realize it till i hit the lows, how high i was before. but, this past year, i haven't gotten as high as i used to. i swear, yeah i laugh and smile on the outside, and i'm a great actress, but i swear, inside my head, sometimes the switch gets hit, off of nothing. one look, one work, one thing that makes me upset. i'm too fucking jealous. not of material things, but of other peoples happiness. what me and my sister have in common, and i'm sure many others, however i'm so fucking narcissistic that of course i think I am the only one who feels this way, but i read sydney's blogs, and i swear, i wrote the same exact ones when i was in high school too. we both also feel the same immense guilt. why should we be depressed? we live in the United States, with loving parents, a health family, well off, we get everything and more that we want, but still. still. immer noch. we feel it. i'm a spoiled fucking baby who needs to get over herself.


Lindsay, are still living there
On your estate of sorrow?
You used to leave it occasionally
But now you don't even bother
To ride that commuter train
West to Oklahoma
To stroll through the greenery
In the park pass the statues

How eyes seemed to follow you
Like a hated addiction
That beauty carved out of absolutes
You could never claim
Or even envision

Lindsay, you were the saddest song
In the shape of a woman
Yeah, I thought you were beautiful
But I wept with your movements
But I hope that you're laughing now
From that place on the carpet
Where we shared a sleeping bag
In your sister's apartment

Oh how she would worry so
You know I was just a stranger
But she asked me to care for you
Yes, she did
And I went and betrayed her

Do know we're in high demand, Lindsay us
People who suffer
Because we don't take to arguing
And we're quick to surrender

I think I would call tonight
If I still had your number
Your thoughts have always laid close to mine
We were both skipping supper

But you should never be embarrassed by Your trouble with living
Cause it's the ones with the sorest throats
Lindsay, who have done the most singing.