Vitamin pills in my Gin

oh man, oh man. well, it's sunday night, 11:14, missed it by 3 minutes, damn. oh well, not like i really believe in wishes, but i do it anyways. so today has been pretty boring. I was going to go to Mass this morning, auf deutsch, but turned off my alarm in my sleep, as usual. I decided friday morning/afternoon when i was trying to force myself to get out of bed, that it feels like i have a drug running through my veins that paralyzes my body and won't let me get up. and it forces my eyes shut. then when i finally do get up, i'm mad at myself for not getting up during my "drugged" state of mind. i know this all sounds crazy, and some people just tell me to get up "you lazy bum" but seriously, i try, my body won't let me. anyways, back to my story, i didn't go to Mass, and of course everything is closed on Sunday, except restaurants and some museums. So I showed and dressed so cute, and I was going to go get some coffee, read, then go to the Check Point Charlie Museum, even though it is triple the price of all the other museums because it is a tourist site, but halfway down my looooong street, I realized I forgot my camera. ALSO, the second i stepped foot off out onto the street from my apartment building, it started raining. It's like in cartoons when the cloud follows someone. The weather said it was supposed to be only partially cloudy, but it def rained all day. So I didn't feel like going back and getting my camera, so I decided I'll just go late this week to this museum. I have so much to do this week though! I have this full week and this weekend, then my last week!!! So sad! I need to actually study too, I have the class test this Thursday, and next week I have the important expensive test. *god this is a good song, "Little Motel" by modest mouse*. I really don't want to leave Berlin, but at the same time I'm ready to go back to Seattle. It's hard to explain, I have mixed emotions on the whole situation. When I studied in Spain, I was there only 4 weeks and half way through I got so depressed and I couldn't stand it. I contacted the airport and tried to arrange flying home early but I would have had to pay so much more, I didn't have the money. I felt stuck in Spain. I cried all day every day, it as miserable. I also said "I Love you" to my mom for the first time since I was probably 8 years old. I stopped saying that to her a long time ago, and stopped saying it to my dad, only for the reason that I felt guilty for saying it to him and not her. However, I was 17 and stuck in Spain and I realized how "good" I have it back at home. I came home so happy and everything went back to being amazing: speaking English, going to IHOP, and hanging out with Arielle. haha. But it's weird, I feel--not empty--but not full either. Like part of me (my friends, my own home, my rugby team) is back in Seattle, but then I know that when I go back to Seattle, I'll miss Berlin and can't wait till I come back! Sometimes when I'm in Seattle, I miss Oklahoma too--correction! I miss my family, a few friends (arielle and jarrett etc.), and my house. I love my house so much. I feel so comfortable there, more than anywhere else in the world. I suppose it is my (OH I get to use a German word that has no English equivalent!) ,,Heimat", but Seattle is my new ,,home". Hopefully, one day I'll move here to Berlin though. If I had a few good friends from back home, or like the ones back home, or even my sister, I would be completely content here.
Speaking of my sister, God, I love that girl. I have said this before, and I'll say it again: she=me. I read her blogs, and it's like reading my own from high school. It's weird, because she is so mature in some aspects, and SO immature in others. I don't know if it's actually immaturity actually, in those other aspects. I think it's more that she is just naive and inexperienced (so am I though in a lot of instances). Other then that, we are so similar, and she knows it too. We are so comfortable with each other, and I love it. I wish we were twins, not identical, I like who we are now, but just the same age. I'm so worried about her though, so much of the time. She is so lonely. She has no friends, and the few she does have either live in a different city or don't treat her well. She really needs to dump her current "bff" if you could call it that. She says it's complicated. They were best friends since as long as I can remember, but now this other girl, well I just found out she was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning last weekend. Other things, she does drugs, drinks and drives, had an abortion, her boyfriend is older then me, the list goes on. Oh and she is only 16. Its really sad. I've just seen her change, go downhill. It's a shame. Her parents don't do anything at all about it. What she needs is a good, I don't know, spanking! lol. It's a little late for that though. I wish she could live a year with MY parents, they'd kick her into shape in no time. However, I don't wish this girl upon my folks.
So my host mother came home. She is not going to Muenchen now, so that means I have to give her her U-Bahn pass back, buy my own :( and spend more nights locked in my room. She is super nice, but I feel like I'm always in her way or she is looking down on me. Perhaps, it's all in my head, that seems to be the case often. Either way, when she is here, I'm usually in my room reading or awkwardly pacing the room, listening for when she is not in the hallway so I can sneak into the bathroom or kitchen z.B. While I've been here, I have read: "Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters" by J.D. Salinger <3, I started "Seymour, an Introduction" by Salinger, but I can't get into it. I started, for the 3rd time, "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" by Milan Kundera, but I decided, I should read something new, despite it being my favorite book. (It's now sydney's fave book too). I also read "Russian Disco" by Vladimir Kuminer, "Among other things, i've started smoking" by ....I can't pronounce/remember the name, "The Old Man and the Sea" by Ernest Hemingway (maybe it's my mathematical brain, but I couldn't see the underlying metaphor if there was one...I need to read some essays or something over it), I started "Brave New World" in German but it was hard and I got bored with it. I'll try it another day in English maybe. I also randomly picked up a german book for teenagers, chosen by it's cover, I can't remember the name, oh shit what was it "Luege"...something. It's about a kid who's dad has gets AIDS from a blood donation years earlier. It was sad, but poorly written, so I read half and returned it to the library. I feel like I'm forgetting a major book that I read...hmm...anyhoo, I'm now reading "Angela's Ashes" which I thought was about WWII, I don't know why, I guess just the cover, I don't know really, but in case you don't know, it's not. It's ridiculously sad (therefore I love it of course!) and it's about this extremely poor Irish family. The author is Frank McCourt and it's a memoir. After I finish this blog, I'm going to read some more. It's great so far. Also, I made my mom feel bad I think about her snapping at me about my big toe, which I think I stress fractured, but maybe I'm being a hypochondriac as usual. OH also, my host mother said that she might go out with her friends tomorrow night, to "the cinema" or something. which makes my little heart hope that Manny is coming over....oi vey, I hate myself. so much.
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*i'm now posting this blog at 7.47pm monday, b/c i couldn't get online last night, and i just wrote this blog on Notepad instead. now looking back, Manny did not come today, due to the fact that the Frau is still here, and even if she wasn't, her child is visiting the grandmother. Shade :(
and secondly, I went the the Jewish Museum for SEVERAL hours today, and it was a great museum, i highly recommend it! the architecture was probably the best part. it was insane. here is a birds eye view. the walls were also slanted and empty voids and interactive things, and art you could walk on, and this cool "garden of exile". if you go to berlin, go to this museum. I also learned how to write my name in hebrew....