diamond eyes

well, i haven't blogged in a while, i think the few people who actually read my blog stopped. oh well, i write it more so for me anyways. write now i feel tired, beat, sad, lonely, and overwhelmed. not the best. i also have a wet head (i just got out of the shower). after rugby everyone came to my house to make shirts...it kind of happened...but kind of not. we got maybe, 1/4 of them done...but we did have a lot to make. and then it turned into a drunken party. except i didn't drink at all, and whenever everyone else is drunk and i'm not, i don't know why, but i always start off fine, but then i get annoyed and start alienating myself. i really wish i wouldn't do that, i suppose it's just because i know i'm not in the same state of mind as everyone else. i don't know how Owen does it! i'm saving myself for maggot fest, although, maybe after the alumni game, well i'm pretty sure i will, but not get trashed or anything. i'm also most likely going to drive to maggotfest and not drink in the car, because i think it's pretty stupid to do and i know that if i do drink, i'll be paranoid the whole time. so for now, *sigh* i'll just watch everyone else have fun. not saying that alcohol is the only way you can have fun, but it helps ;)
oh and i feel bad, i made sami made, although it was only for a brief moment because she is so drunk, but i didn't mean to. we were looking for her cat and i was helping and i said "i hate salma (the cat) the only reason i'm looking for her is because sami likes her" and yeah, that was rude of me to say that i hate salma, but sami knows i don't like her, but i suppose i should keep that to myself, b/c she loves salma. it made her made for a few minutes though and i felt really bad. for some reason, i just don't like other people's pets. it's so odd, b/c i LOVE mine, well 2/3 cats and molly (dog).
so i'm the biggest money sucker of my parents ever, and i feel so bad. i need to get a job for the few weeks i'll be home....i think i'll have to go back to *dun-dun-DUN!* taco cabana :(
it's a job though, what can i say!
oh, we were talking about more housing stuff, and gawf REALLY wants to live in the rugby house, and i'm SO glad, b/c i really want to stay here. sami suggested that we write an email to the current non-ruggers and tell them we want to take over the lease, since no one is stepping up to it, and that we want all ruggers in the house. it's kinda bitchy to the girls who live here now, but hey, this is the RUGBY house. but i really like jaclyn and wendy and kristen, but i never see them! well, i see jaclyn a lot, and i would like her to stay, but i REALLY want a house of only ruggers, that would be bomb.
god, it's 1:30am, i never stay up this late. I think i'm not going to go to chemistry again, that'll be the entire week except monday i think. eek. i just hate chemistry and the lectures are NO help to me, although i don't study outside of lecture, and i keep saying i'll do it, but i don't. i need to get on that.
oi, and i've been into two certain people for a while now, one for much longer, and i'm basically over that certain person, and i thought/think i'm over the other one, but God it's hard. I want to be, so i think of all the negative things about them, but that's not healthy. i should just settle on friends because i think that's all it will ever be, but damn, i wanna jump their bones.
and on that note! i'm off to bed, but i might do my dirty little habbit first. i haven't in a while, but my mood instantly dropped like 45 minutes ago. i have a feeling it's because i didn't refill my citalopram for probably 5 days, and that's 5 days way too many. one day and i'm feeling it, 5 days, i don't think i've ever done that before. my head was hurting and i felt so so so sick and had no energy, and my dopamine or serotonin levels, whatever it fucks with, is totally whack now. my doc' told me that it would do that, and i should never skip, oi, she doesn't even need to tell me though, b/c i can feel it. boy can i.
okay, eyelids are heavy and Cat Power is lulling me away.
omg omg i can't wait for arielle to visit. i don't want any drama i just want to hang out with her b/c she totally puts me at ease.